How can two people know if their relationship is one that should lead to marriage and that they can have a marriage that will stand the test of time? In my last piece, I discussed the well-replicated finding that living together before marriage actually increases the risk of divorce, despite the intuitive sense (among many) that suggests otherwise. Successful relationships require dedication that make leaving the relationship harder.
Successful relationships are founded upon knowing each other well. The problem with dating, as it is commonly practiced in America, is that it is designed to show only the most polished version of oneself and is too often only about fun. Of course, people get married at least in part because they are best friends and have fun together. By all means, have fun while also taking romance seriously.
Developing long-term compatibility, however, requires having deep discussions about challenging questions, experiencing valleys, and learning to make sacrifices. These things can all be done without moving in together. This will provide the foundation needed to make a successful long-term commitment of marriage.
Understanding one’s non-negotiables is essential. I encourage young adults to think about those non-negotiables carefully. If an interesting and attractive person does not meet a non-negotiable, that person will be a friend or acquaintance (rather than the ideal spouse), no matter how wonderful the person’s other qualities are. Dating should not begin or continue; that is, if the dating is intended to lead to marriage.
The list of possible non-negotiables is endless: Commitment to recycling, being a sports fan, political preferences, brands of cars, etc. Sure, any potential non-negotiable can seem trivial to others. Future happiness, however, is put in peril if we downplay our non-negotiables or because others call them trivial. Will the diehard college football fan really be able to give it up without resentment to marry someone who loathes sports and has other plans for the couple on Saturdays?
For Christians, a non-negotiable should be that the other person is also a Christian. How important are denominational preferences or specific doctrines? A significant predictor of marital dissatisfaction is a husband and wife not practicing faith together.
Doctrinal differences that seem small can suddenly become huge when children are born. Imagine an Anglican and a Baptist who do not think they have strong feelings about infant baptism. The difference is academic until a baby makes the issue salient. This is the type of difference that should be settled well before that time.
I advise dating couples to plan some non-dates to talk about tough questions, faith, and non-negotiables. Expect that it will take time to get to know a person well. A useful rule of thumb is that it takes at least a year to really know a person.
Social media allows us to know vast details about a person. Knowing a person’s favorite memes and interest groups is not the same as really knowing the person.
To really know a person, pay attention to how that person responds to tough times. That is far more informative than how a person behaves when all is well. Consider: When you are going through a tough time, will you be supported by your spouse in ways that you appreciate? Any person and any relationship can look strong on the mountaintops. Maturity is displayed in the valleys.
Husbands and wives in successful marriages sacrifice for one another. They sacrifice without being martyrs and often enjoy the opportunity to sacrifice for their spouse. These sacrifices are usually small because there are more opportunities for small sacrifices than big. Anytime we put someone else’s needs and desires before our own we are sacrificing.
Women have to be careful about sacrificing, especially early in the relationship, because they are more likely to make sacrifices before the man has made a commensurate level of commitment. If there is a sacrificial imbalance between the man and the woman, it is the woman doing most of the sacrificing. In happy marriages, the husband and wife sacrifice approximately equally, and without keeping score. A man’s willingness to sacrifice while expecting nothing in return is a good indication of his commitment. To build dedication, make small sacrifices for each other.
Marital success requires more than establishing compatibility and a willingness to sacrifice. The single best predictor of marital satisfaction and stability is the couple’s ability to handle conflict well. Being able to successfully handle life’s inevitable conflicts protects the friendship that led to the marriage. Knowing your potential marriage partner well and committing to learn the skills that will make your marriage strong provide a great foundation for lifelong happiness in marriage.